To simply put this: meeting him was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. I simply didn’t know how to react. It wasn’t anything I ever expected and seeing this little person opened my eyes and my heart to a new experience and a new love. I don’t have the words to really convey my love and affection for Elijah, my son, on a blog or a piece of paper or how to even express it verbally. I’m still baffled and haven’t really let it all sink in.

This is ultimately not the situation I expected to be in with him and his mother; apart and broken. The feeling of loss and everything else all rolled into one place has me so confused and distraught. I have tried to mend fences with his mother many times and have finally come to the conclusion that her heart is no longer interested in a family with me.

When do you stop and let it all go? As a man trying to mend his family, where do you throw in the towel. After the woman you love and have given your heart to says “there is no future for us,” that obviously doesn’t leave me many options.

At this point I’m taking a break from the blog. Why? I’m afraid of what I might say. And who knows I may end up having a lot to say in the coming months. More than I expected. But for right now, I gotta chill.

The motto for my blog is “Switching gears in life” and that ultimately is where I’m at. I followed a care free path for a long time but now it’s obvious that I have no other option but to change gears and take responsibility for my little man. My little son. He is my light right now. He is what I think about when I’m down, sad and alone. He needs my strength and courage to do what’s right and provide for him as much as I possibly can.

I love you son.

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1. Dear Elijah… A Letter to My Unborn Son.

First off, I’m so proud to be your dad and I can’t wait to see your face and meet you. I have tried very hard to be there while you were growing in your mommas belly but the circumstances have not allowed me that privilege. I really hope you can understand that later in life when you can make your own judgments. You yourself will see my heart and how much I care about you and your mom.

I want you to know that I love you and no matter what hardships your mother and I go through, you mean the world to me. No one can take my feelings for you away from me. I wish things could have been different and the three of us – your mom, you and I – could have been a family but that was taken from me. I just wanted a happy family to raise you.

Son, you are my heart. You are the center of my life and I miss you so much. I didn’t get to see you grow and that has hurt me very deeply. That has tortured me to the point of crying and not being able to sleep. I miss rubbing lotion on your mommas belly every night and getting to see you move and kick. I wish I could hear your heart beat. I just wish I could feel you for a second of my life. Just a small kick or a small bump. I miss you so much…

Even without you being a complete person yet, I can’t believe how much I care about you. You’re so small and don’t know the complications of life yet. You won’t understand things for a really long time but I hope your mom and I can make everything comfortable for you as you grow up. I hope you know that I have tried for you and I have loved every step of your life. I will always care about what you go through and are dealing with. I’m always there for you, son.

When things seem hard and so complicated, I’m there for you no matter what. These are the things I have not been privileged to yet but want to offer to you as a dad and a friend. I want to be your “rock.” When your so down and need someone to love you and understand you, I will be there. I’m attached to you forever. I’m forever your man of understanding and unconditional love. I look forward to seeing you grow and becoming a person of your own. Watching you be a man of your own and having a son of your own that you can raise like I raised you.

I can’t wait to see you and meet you. I can’t wait to take you fishing, hunting and camping. I can’t wait to see your face when you catch your first baseball or football or score your first basket. I can’t wait till you grow up and experience the pleasures of being a father and a man. I will be there by your side through it all.

I will be your dad no matter what and when it matters the most, I love you and will be there for you.

Through all my recent hardships I have the thought of you to keep me going on. You are my “rock” like I wish to be yours.

Your dad,

Robert B. Yardman

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1. Elijah is Here and I’m Taking a Break